Unruly Confessions: A Kink Story is where storytelling meets smut, chaos, and best-friend energy. Through a fictional life on tour with “The Band,” we create an immersive, sexy, and often hilarious world that listeners can escape into. It’s raw, playful, and completely unapologetic—built on real chemistry, real laughs, and stories that don’t hold back.
Theme Music: Rat Head - Big Mouse Tree House Written and performed by: Nicole van Niekerk (Singer), Steve van Niekerk (Lead Guitar & Backing Vocals), Rachel Espeute (Bass & Backing Vocals) & Bertie Atkinson (Drums)
Dick in a box. (Sung) Every time I see his name I'm like…
Arabella:
You just have to sing it
Nicole:
Dick in a box. It's my dick in a box, baby, my dick in a box. (Sung with clicking to the beat) Okay, we got it, Nicole, we got it.
Arabella:
I love that we have that recorded. That's some gag real shit right there.(Nicole laughs) Is it, Is it worth
Nicole:
Slapping myself? Yes.(Nicle laughs again)
Arabella:
Www, yes.
Nicole:
“I don't need your attitold.” Wopp(Both burst out laughing) I don't need your attitold, Nicole
Arabella:
Attitold.
Nicole:
Apparently, it’s gonna be gag real all the way through.“You fucking bitch.” That was so British.
Arabella:
That was so British.
Nicole:
Oh, fuck(Nicole chuckles)
Arabella:
You fucking bitch.
Nicole:
There it is, but it has to be angrier than that.(Nicole laughs)
Arabella:
You fucking bitch.
Nicole:
There it is.(Nicole laughs louder)“I'm really sorry.” I pleaded, I was Canadian and stupid and I was like, sorry,(They start to laugh)
Arabella:
Canadian?
Nicole:
Yes, because I went ‘sorry’(Nicole wheeze laughs followed by Arabella)
Arabella:
Sorry (Imitating)(Both continue laughing)
Nicole:
Sorry. He bit me in the neck, and my body bent itself into, into it. Why? He practically ripped my new band shit off me. Sounded like I said shit.(Nicole chuckles) My new band shit.(Nicole laughs along with Arabella)
Arabella:
Yes. My new band shit.
Nicole:
“Please”“I'm not” “I'm not uncuffing you!” (Said with some unintended sass)(Both burst out laughing)
Arabella:
I'm not uncuffing you! (Even more exaggerated sassiness)(More laughter and snorting)
Nicole:
It was the campest version of Michael Solomon I've ever heard.(Still going) I'm so sorry.
Arabella:
Sassy camp Mike.
Nicole:
“I'm not uncuffing you” he barked. “Deal with your consequences”.
Arabella:
He, he barked, Nicole
Nicole:
“Not uncuffing you”
Arabella:
Thank you
Nicole:
Rarararara!(Nicole wheezes a laugh)
Arabella:
Rararahhh(Both chuckle)
Nicole:
I popped into. I popped into Bella. Oh right, I popped into your suite. I was like, I popped into Bella. Fuck.
Arabella:
Wow,(Nicole laughs) Jesus Christ, you've just full-on right, gone up my vag.(Bloth laughing their way through their madness)
Nicole:
Blugh. Like the end of, like the end of Alien blugraahhhhhhhhh! (Trying to vocalise Nicole spurting out of me)
Arabella:
Blughlughghghgh(Arabella of course also has a go at vocalising it) Sweet Jesus.
Nicole:
All right, that wasn't very Bella, but I'll take it. Sweet Jesus Sounds like you're from the bayou,(Still laughing)
Arabella:
I know.
Nicole:
“Ask your bitch best fre” biatch.
Arabella:
Biaatch(Both chuckle)“Nicky had something to do with this?” (Getting quite high pitched at the end) Let me try that one again (Jokingly getting even higher)
Nicole:
Nicky! Nicky? (Ridiculously high)(Both laugh)“I don’t, I don't fucking get it”, He’s northern now(Laughing)
Arabella:
Get it!
Nicole:
I don’t
Arabella:
I don’t fucking get it.
Nicole:
“Why do you two keep bri, bringing me into your shit?” Jason asked annoyed dropping his weight.
Arabella:
Shiiiit
Nicole:
That's how they say it! That's how they say it.
Arabella:
Sorry(Arabella giggles)
Nicole:
That's how we learned they say it(Nicole wheezes into a laugh along with Arabella) Don’t make fun of my shiiiit.
Arabella:
Shiiiit.
Nicole:
Nah, I was a bit too gangster, you're right, really too gangster. That might be the way Carter says it.
Arabella:
Yeah(Nicole laughs)
Nicole:
Shit. Sorry.“Have you ever found a blowjob from her?”(Both collapse into laughter)
Arabella:
Found a blowjob.
Nicole:
What does that mean?
Arabella:
I don't know. Have you ever found a blowjob from her?(Both laughing so hard they mumble something unintelligible) Oh God. Just found it. You know? Just there. Fuck's sake.(Both let out resigned sighs)“Nicky's the friendless person.” Friendlusssh person, (Garbled)
Nicole:
Frienlushts person (Also garbled)
I think Nicky's overly ovlelilililhummhummmNicole:
Overly.
Arabella:
Overly.(Nicole laughs followed by Arabella) Uhm Fuck on.
Nicole:
(Nicole renews her laughter) Fuck on
Arabella:
Fuck on, would ya.
Nicole:
That was the funniest thing I heard this morning. Fuck on. And I did not expect it either.(Still laughing) Right.
Arabella:
“You know that person that you can spend every single second of the day with and not get sick of them.”
Nicole:
“My band, my wife and dog”
Arabella & Nicole:
My band (Mocking her almost southern accent)
Nicole:
What accent was this?(Nicole laughs)
Arabella:
My wife and my dog (Still exaggerating)(Both laughing)
And my… uhhhArabella:
Dawg
Nicole:
And my meth.(Both laugh again) Sorry, that might have come across as I was saying Southern people do meth. That's, I don't know why. That's not what I meant at all.
Arabella:
No
Nicole:
Sorry.“Oh damn!” I said, cringing at the sight of it.(Arabella laughs) Oh, daaaammmnn!(Nicole joins in) Oh damn. ohhh shit(Both laughing hard) Okay, I'll try do less than that, weird, what I just did there. That shit is whack!
Arabella:
Whack!(Both still laughing)
Nicole:
Okay. I gaped at Bella, “Bella!”
Arabella:
You did not gape at Bella. You gaped at HER and then said Bella, because you don't need to go, Bella, Bella.(Nicole laughs)
Nicole:
Bella, Bella, Bora Bora other places that are repeated twice.(Both laugh)“Why can't you just do it?”“Because I told you to do it.” Do it, (Sounding like the Terminator)(Nicole laughs) Do it.
Arabella:
Do it, (Mocking) Do it.(Nicole laughs again) Doooo it.(Still laughing)
Nicole:
Stop.
Arabella:
Do it.
Nicole:
“Can I dress you?” Can IIIII dress you? (Exaggerated southern accent)
Arabella:
Can IIIII dress you? (Imitated and exaggerated)
Nicole:
Can IIIII dress you today, Mam? I washed him as he rummaged through my already packed things.
Arabella:
You washed him or you watched him?
Nicole:
I washed. I washed him.(Arabella laughs) I went to the shower. I grabbed a loofah,
Arabella:
And I washed him.
Nicole:
I put some squeezy, squeezy, squeezy soap,(Nicole laughing so hard she can’t finish the sentence)
Arabella:
Squeezy, squeezy, squeezy did you?
Nicole:
Three times. Three times squeezy soap. Very important part of this.(Arabella is howling with laughter) And then I went and I washed him while he unpacked my shit.“Have you eaten?” Have you eaten? (Said with a very strange accent)
Arabella:
Have you eaten? (Imitating)
Nicole:
Nicole? Have you eaten?(Both laugh) Sorry.“Absolutely. Now, please tell me. My imagination is likely to make something up (Garbling up her words) much worse.” What's mehnnmthe matter.(Both burst out laughing)
Arabella:
Badad di ba di di doh dohh bad da di da di di dohhhh (Sung with Nicole joining in)
