0:00

Unruly Confessions Ep 15 – Mere Mortals

Arabella: 0:03

The following podcast contains adult themes, graphic sexual content, strong language, alcohol and drug references, and some infrequent violence. Everything you need for a wild ride.

Nicole: 0:05

The Band we have created for the podcast was inspired by many of our favourite bands, but they are all made up and fictional and most of the events are fictional too. Some of the events are inspired by things Bella and I have experienced, but the story as a whole is fictional.(Podcast theme music plays – Rat Head by Big Mouse Tree House)

Arabella: 0:10

Arabella. Hi guys!(Nicole laughs a little)

Nicole: 0:13

We hope you're doing well. We’re so, we're more psyched than normal to be here if you can believe that. Basically, for no other reason than, we are, so excited that you guys have been sending us messages, and please continue to do so. It's amazing.

Arabella: 0:15

Yes. And telling us to hurry up and get these recordings out.

Nicole: 0:17

Yes.

Arabella: 0:19

Which we are!

Nicole: 0:21

We are working— we're hurrying up, okay?

Arabella: 0:23

Yes.

Nicole: 0:25

If you've noticed that our Californian accents have improved somewhat.(Nicole laughs) Hopefully.

Arabella: 0:29

Let's be honest, hopefully it will, improve from this recording—

Arabella & Nicole: 0:31

—onwards—

Nicole: 0:33

—because we have a lovely, uh, friend, fan, friend(Nicole laughs a bit) who is from California, uh, not living in California anymore, but from California, and he's been kind enough to help us with the accent a little bit.

Arabella: 0:37

Yeah.

Nicole: 0:38

If you see sudden improvements, um, you can thank Zach. And thank you Zach, if—

Arabella: 0:40

Feast

Nicole: 0:42

(Nicole continuing without break)—you're listening here um. He's a very cool streamer.

Arabella: 0:45

Yes

Nicole: 0:47

By the way, if you guys are Twitch fans, um, head over to Twitch. His twitch um, his Twitch

Arabella: 0:49

Handle

Nicole: 0:51

Name is um, xfeastx. (New handle is now ZachXFeast) That way you can easily find him.

Arabella: 0:54

And he's, he's great.

Nicole: 0:56

Yeah.

Arabella: 0:58

We watched him stream today and we really enjoyed it.

Nicole: 1:00

Yeah, he’s fun.

Arabella: 1:02

Definitely give him a check.

Nicole: 1:04

Did you know that Californians say “popping”?

Arabella: 1:06

We did not.

Nicole: 1:08

I did not know that was a slang thing.

Arabella: 1:10

“That place is really popping,”

Nicole: 1:12

Yeah.

Arabella: 1:14

We love it

Nicole: 1:16

Seems, seems 70s to me, but what do I know?

Arabella: 1:18

But also, Nicole has been making up her own, her own slang.

Nicole: 1:20

I have. Yeah. Because yesterday—

Arabella: 1:22

What’d you sign off with? “Boing”?(Arabella says “Boing” with emphasis)

Nicole: 1:25

Oh, that one, sorry, no, no, no, yes, yeah. One of, one of the fans, one of the people like that, was like um, messaging, sent me, uh, a message and I can't remember what he said, and I was like, “ah, boing,”(the word “boing” is stretched and exaggerated) and I was like whoa, what am I doing?(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 1:30

What is that? But we'll take it.

Nicole: 1:32

The panic. And then I also realized that I should have known better, but, um, Americans... I don't know if it's all Americans, but definitely Californians, they do not know the, the European XXX kiss thing that we do. So, XXX in America means something different. So, I—

Arabella: 1:34

(said in a growling, American accent) Hardcore porn!

Nicole: 1:37

Yeah, and so apparently, I've been signing off messages, all of my messages with “hardcore porn!” Okay.(Arabella makes a delighted squealing sound)

Arabella: 1:40

(laughing) Which seems so fitting for this podcast, although it's not really hardcore porn, but you know.

Nicole: 1:42

It's not hard— well, depending on who you ask, apparently it can be considered hardcore porn now? It’s kinky. Oh no!

Arabella: 1:44

(Arabella says her next words on top of Nicole’s) Go find your smut, people, find it wherever you can!

Nicole: 1:47

Yes

Arabella: 1:49

Don't let them take away your smut!

Nicole: 1:51

Absolutely not. And also—

Arabella: 1:53

We have rights to smut!(Nicole chuckles)

Nicole: 1:56

Okay, when they just hear the word “kink,” you know they'll be like, “Perverts!”

Arabella: 1:58

Yes.

Nicole: 2:00

And that's fine, because we're not—

Arabella: 2:02

Hell, and damnation!(Arabella growls these words, imitating an upset, older, British gentleman)

Nicole: 2:05

(Nicole laughs then snorts) Oh.(Arabella cackles in the background) That's what I think of that!(Nicole laughs) Snorting in your general direction!(Nicole laughs again, Arabella resumes cackling)

Arabella: 2:14

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of—

Arabella & Nicole: 2:16

—elderberries.(Arabella and Nicole say this word comedically out of sync)

Nicole: 2:19

I'm sure the whole world has heard of Monty Python, so there's a bit of Monty Python for you. We had a purpose to this introduction, I'm sure, but it's—

Arabella: 2:21

We did.

Nicole: 2:23

—it's far gone.

Arabella: 2:25

It's gone.

Nicole: 2:27

Basically—

Arabella: 2:29

It’s long gone.

Nicole: 2:31

—it's us as we always come at you, hard, like this—

Arabella: 2:33

Yeah

Nicole: 2:35

—like confusing and chaotic, but… Enjoying every moment.

Arabella: 2:37

Having a great damn time.

Nicole: 2:39

Bella's—

Arabella: 2:41

Yes!

Nicole: 2:43

—going to recap for us, “Feigned Virtue.”

Arabella: 2:45

Here we go. Last week, on Unruly Confessions, “Feigned Virtue.” We had the long-awaited photo shoot in Milan, which started off hilariously with two models dropping out last minute due to being attacked by bees!(Arabella laughs)

Nicole: 2:48

Bees!

Arabella: 2:50

Bees! Of all things!

Nicole: 2:52

Yep.

Arabella: 2:54

What the fuck, I love it. I do. Mike had to tell us off for getting the giggles about it, and then soon I found myself offering to fill in for one of the models. What?(Arabella elongates “what” in high pitched, faux shock)

Nicole: 2:57

Because you're perfect! And beautiful.

Arabella: 2:59

Apparently. I'll take that(Nicole laughs) Uh-huh, uh-huh!(Arabella says this high pitched, enthused) This sparked off a conversation about Nicole being the other model, despite the fact that she strongly refused to on the grounds of thinking she'd look ridiculous next to the other models. Which is just silly, you are gorgeous. Mike commanded her to do it, and when she still said no, I pulled her aside and pointed out all the reasons to do it and tell her to suck it up, bitch, we're doing it. And then she finally agreed.

Nicole: 3:05

Because I would have. We all know, considering the huge fangirl I am, I would have regretted not being in this shoot, holy shit

Arabella: 3:07

Oh my God. So

Nicole: 3:09

Almost immediately(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 3:12

And the funniest thing is, in real life, I hate having photos taken of me and Nicky's like, “Yeah! Photo time.”(Nicole laughs harder)

Nicole: 3:15

Yeah, to be fair, but we need to. Even, even though I would love to be in this photo shoot, I will always brat Michael.

Arabella: 3:17

Oh, “Michael.”(Arabella emphasizes the use of Mike’s full name)

Nicole: 3:20

I like saying his full name.

Arabella: 3:22

He’s Michael now, is he?

Nicole: 3:24

Apparently,

Arabella: 3:26

You do

Nicole: 3:28

I will always brat Michael. So, um. So, you know, I think that's mostly what was going on there. I just wanted him to make me.

Arabella: 3:30

Once at the cemetery, Andrew chose who we were going to partner with. I got Zander, and Nicky got Carter, after being shot down... So fast.(Both laugh) For a suggestion of Jay.

Nicole: 3:34

By literally everyone. By Mike—

Arabella: 3:36

Everyone was like NO!!—

Nicole: 3:38

—By Jay himself

Arabella: 3:40

No!

Nicole: 3:42

And by Andrew.

Arabella: 3:44

Andrew's was more to do with the fact that she is the shortest, and he is the tallest—

Nicole: 3:46

Literally

Arabella: 3:48

—as opposed to just Mike and Jay's, which was just like “No! Back, foul demon.”(Nicole barks a laugh)

Nicole: 3:51

Behave yourself!(Both laugh)

Arabella: 3:54

He also reminded us that we should pretend that we don't know The Band, as he put it, who is sleeping with whom. To both of our slight embarrassment, we were like, yeah, all right, I suppose so.

Nicole: 3:56

Tee-hee-hee.

Arabella: 3:58

Fine(Nicole then chuckles)

Once in the tent we met the lovely ladies who were going to create our looks for the shoot, and one of the other models who was super snotty: 4:00

Bitch Face Kara. We do not like her. We do not. And it's very rare that we, we really dislike someone, but, but she was it

Nicole: 4:02

Especially a woman. We tend to be like, hardcore supporting women, women.

Arabella: 4:04

Yes.(Nicole chuckles) But she was just Bitch Face Kara, so. I attempted to keep my cool, but when she turned on Nicky, I snapped a little. Yes, I did. And then regained my composure.

Nicole: 4:09

Well done.

Arabella: 4:11

But once we had our makeup and hair done, it was time for dresses. Luckily, Annette, the French costumer, brought along a dress that fitted Nicky and her enormous bosoms. Isn't that just the luckiest thing ever?(Arabella says this last sentence with comedic sarcasm)

Nicole: 4:14

So—

Arabella: 4:16

Almost like we wrote it!(Arabella is still sarcastic)

Nicole: 4:19

Yeah, so lucky,(Arabella is laughing uproariously in the background) so created by us.(Nicole devolves into laughter)

Arabella: 4:24

Yes. Fully dressed, we looked hot as hell!

Nicole: 4:26

Yeah!

Arabella: 4:28

And then we were told to remove our underwear.

Nicole: 4:30

Ooooo

Arabella: 4:32

Hey, hey. Ring-a-ding-ding.(Nicole chuckles, Arabella laughs) Once we went outside Zander and I got our serious flirt on, with him threatening, if I didn't behave, and I absolutely did not behave, telling him that I was also not wearing underwear.(Arabella laughs villainously)

Nicole: 4:38

Ooh, Sexy.

Arabella: 4:40

Kara annoys us through the shoot, but Carter and Nicole seem to bond more than ever, especially as Carter gets an erection and Nicole covers for him seamlessly.

Nicole: 4:42

But not—(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 4:45

I thought...

Nicole: 4:47

But not. We didn't bond over him getting an erection, just to be clear.(Both laugh)

Arabella: 4:50

No, no, because you covered for him.

Nicole: 4:52

Because I covered for him. But you know, it being me, it could also. I would also bond over erections.

Arabella: 4:54

No! No.

Nicole: 4:56

No, okay.

Arabella: 4:58

Down girl—

Nicole: 5:00

Okay—

Arabella: 5:02

Down girl.

Nicole: 5:04

All right.(Arabella chortles) So sorry.

I for once was not as smooth as I giggled my way through some of the shoot, definitely not behaving. And just before the end of the episode, Carter and Nicole decided to be friends. And I warned Nicky not to sleep with him and that she needs to get on and move on and tell Mike about the sleepover with Jason. Don't be a twat, just tell him. That is where we take you to: 5:08

Episode 15, Mere Mortals.

Nicole: 5:10

Mere Mortals.(Podcast theme music plays – Rat Head by Big Mouse Tree House) I woke up after a rather interesting and disturbing dream. Isn't that what they always are, both interesting and disturbing.(Arabella makes a short laughing sound) I glanced at my mobile. It was almost three in the morning. Mike was still fast asleep. It was weird to sleep in the bed with him, and I missed nightly chats with Bella. Arabella I missed that too. Nicole Yeah. But I was sure she was having an amazing time with Zander. Sharing a suite was a pretty big step.(Nicole gives high-pitched emphasis to “pretty big step” and then laughs) Arabella No it wasn't. Nicole But it's also just kind of cute. Like, we're like completely, like, what do you call it. Like immersed in tour life now, it's like “sharing a suite, it’s a pretty big step!”(Arabella laughs) Gosh, help us.

Arabella: 5:30

Like I've fully moved in!

Nicole: 5:32

Yeah. No, it wasn't. I was doing the same thing with Mike As well, like so, no, it's not, it's not a big step. Anyway. I got out of the bed and walked into the sitting room to get a drink from the bar. I had whiskey, Because I've completely acclimatized to this bullshit now.(Nicole laughs) Arabella Yes. Nicole I had whiskey. It wasn't really warm enough to sit outside on the terrace, so I sat down on the sofa and enjoyed the view from comfort inside.(Arabella “yaaay”s in the background) How the other half lives, it seems. Arabella Yes. Nicole“What are you doing awake?” I spun around on the sofa with a gasp.(Nicole gasps overly dramatically)“Fuck”, Mike said, jumping a bit himself. “It’s me...Who else would it be?”“Sorry”, I said. “I just thought you were asleep”.(Nicole breathes out loudly) He breathed out loudly.“Why are you awake?” I shrugged. “I had a strange dream, and I couldn’t fall asleep again”.“Really?” he asked, sitting on the sofa next to me. “What was this dream about?”“You guys- ““The Band, you mean?” I nodded.“Care to elaborate”, he pressed, “why is that a strange dream?”

Arabella: 6:02

Because he knows that you do a lot of dreaming about them. Nicole Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he’s understood. Arabella This isn't, this isn’t anything other than normal, so how is it strange?

Nicole: 6:08

Oh, but it is, wait for it.(Nicole wheezes a laugh) I took a sip of my whiskey. “Do I really have to tell you?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “Now that you’re so defensive—yeah.”(Both laugh) Ah shit. I know how to help myself. I could have just been like— Arabella Exactly! You literally, every time you're like, “I shouldn't tell you this,” and it's like… Yeah, but that's part of, that’s part of the game, you know?

Arabella: 6:19

Yeah, but also sometimes it's just you. When you don’t mean to

Nicole: 6:21

Yeah but, everything's a game, Bella.(Nicole laughs snarkily)

Arabella: 6:24

Your whole life is a game!(Arabella says this low and growly)

Nicole: 6:27

My whole life is a game! He raised his eyebrows at me. “Now that you’re being so defensive—yeah.”“You’re not going to like it- ““Do it anyway”. I sighed. “I dreamt Jay asked me to marry him”. He barked a laugh. Well thanks brah, wow!(Arabella laughs)“But he wanted one of my lungs in exchange for the ring”. Wow(Arabella recontinues laughing, louder) Mike grinned. “Pretty heavy price—what did you choose to do?”“Gave him the lung, of course”.(Nicole dissolves into laughter, then Arabella)

Arabella: 6:42

Naturally.

Nicole: 6:44

Naturally, have you met me? Oh my god, this is…(Arabella snickers) Wow.

Arabella: 6:48

Wow.

Nicole: 6:50

Okay.“I gave him the lung, of course”.“It’s pretty adorable how much you’re into Jay—just be careful that you don’t get hurt in the process- “

Arabella: 6:54

Aww! Bless him.

Nicole: 6:56

I frowned. “What do you mean?” What do you mean, Michael? What...

Arabella: 6:59

What do you mean? Whatever could you mean by that?

Nicole: 7:01

“Marrying Jay?” He raised his eyebrows. “Come on-”

Arabella: 7:03

Ohhh

Nicole: 7:05

“Unrealistic, I’m aware”.“This is what’s keeping you awake?”“Among other things”.“Like?”“There’s actually something I need to tell you- “

Arabella: 7:11

Do it.

Nicole: 7:13

He turned towards me on the sofa. “Something to do with Carter?” I frowned. “What makes you think that?”“He told us on the way to the tent that he’d be right back”, Mike said, “then I heard he’d been hugging you- ““Where did you hear that?”

Arabella: 7:18

Call the Geneva Convention!

Nicole: 7:20

There's a problem!“Where did you hear that?”“Zander- ““Where did Zander hear—oh, Bella”,(Nicole starts to laugh) I sighed.

Arabella: 7:27

Sorry —

Nicole: 7:29

Ohhhh, Bella.

Arabella: 7:31

—that would have been me. Ohhhh Bella!

Nicole: 7:33

“Carter’s going to be pissed at me, and we only just made peace”, I told Mike pleadingly. “Please don’t make me do this”.“Is it something that’ll affect The Band?”“No”.“Did you do something you weren’t supposed to?”“No”.“Break any-?”“He just got an erection, Mike-” So I told—(Nicole squawks out a laugh)(Arabella laughs uproariously) Sorry, I'm just. I’m just very... how to explain. Umm. I'm feisty, but at the same time I get really nervous when I speak to men that like

Arabella: 7:45

Yeah

Nicole: 7:47

Have a dominant energy, because I love that, but like, it makes me really nervous,

Arabella: 7:49

Yeah

Nicole: 7:51

So like— you can just, you can just keep asking

Arabella: 7:53

Blurt out things

Nicole: 7:55

Questions and I'll like, crumble in on myself.(Nicole dissolves into quiet laughter)

Arabella: 7:58

Yes, yes. Also, this is not the thing you’re supposed to be telling him.

Nicole: 8:00

Exactly. Yeah, of course.

Arabella: 8:02

This is not the fucking—

Arabella & Nicole: 8:04

—thing.

Nicole: 8:06

“He just got an erection, Mike-”“What do you mean he got an erection?”“During the photoshoot-”“Ha!” he said, surprised. “Didn’t see that one coming”. I burst out laughing and Mike just stared at me, bemused. Because I'm a 13-year-old boy.

Arabella: 8:13

You are my love. You are!

Nicole: 8:15

“Come on, that was some decent wordplay-” I insisted.

Arabella: 8:17

No, it wasn’t!

Nicole: 8:19

Shut up!

Arabella: 8:21

It was a very basic wordplay.

Nicole: 8:23

It was, it was fine.(Arabella continues to giggle) You could have given me one, you could have given me a wink or something, you just sat there staring like…

Arabella: 8:27

Because he didn't mean it as a joke!

Nicole: 8:29

Oh yeah, that's true.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 8:32

Which is why he's staring at you, laughing, bemused, going, “You're a twat.”(Nicole laughs a little more)

Nicole: 8:35

Ah yeah, that’s true.

Arabella: 8:37

You're a beautiful, little, idiot twat.(Arabella says something else but it is unintelligible as Nicole speaks)

Nicole: 8:40

“You’re a beautiful, little, idiot twat,” that is very accurate.(Nicole is laughing as she says this)

Arabella: 8:43

Yes.

Nicole: 8:45

Okay.“Come on, that was some decent wordplay-” I insisted.“How did he get a boner?” Mike asked after I calmed down.“Well, you know blood flows quickly to the tissues of-”“Nicole-” he warned.(Arabella is throatily laughing in the background)“Just kidding”, I smiled. “I was, you know being seductive and smouldering and I guess he liked it?” Mike smiled. “Sounds like it”. I drained the rest of my whiskey and got up to put the glass on the bar, then sat back down on the sofa. Oh, look at me cleaning up after myself so diligently. I get out of the conversation just to go put my glass back on the bar.(Nicole laughs) Okay!

Arabella: 8:58

And it wasn't even the conversation you were meant to be having.

Nicole: 9:00

“So, you’re not angry?”“Why would I be?”“I don’t know”, I told him, “But I felt guilty-”

Arabella: 9:04

You didn't feel guilty about that at all! You feel guilty about the thing you haven't told him that you're supposed to tell him.

Nicole: 9:06

I know! But I'm not gonna tell him that, am I?(Nicole is dissolving into laugher as she speaks)(Both laugh, Arabella’s laughter is almost a cackle) I feel guilty about something I'm not telling you, Sir. Please… don't be angry.

Arabella: 9:11

Have this offering instead!

Nicole: 9:13

Have some other bullshit that has happened.(Both are laughing throughout this exchange) This is terrible, terrible behaviour by the way, guys, don't do what I do.

Arabella: 9:18

So bad.

Nicole: 9:20

Do what I tell you, don't do what I do.(Both still laughing all the way through this)

Arabella: 9:23

Says every, parent, ever.

Nicole: 9:25

Yeah.“Nah, if I start getting angry at you for giving people erections, it’ll be fucking exhausting”.(Nicole laughs) That is true.(Nicole’s laugh turns a bit evil and snarky)“Did I tell you; you looked beautiful tonight?”“No”, I blushed. “But thank you”. Mike pulled me against his side and snuggled up to me. He put one of his arms around me and I sat there confused as hell. Because,

Arabella: 9:35

Yes, yes you would

Nicole: 9:37

Because I have a problem with intimacy, but also—

Arabella: 9:39

Intimacy!

Nicole: 9:41

—also because—

Arabella: 9:43

You kinda love it.

Nicole: 9:45

I love it and I don't deserve it right now.

Arabella: 9:47

You do not. You absolutely do not deserve it.

Nicole: 9:49

He's being so sweet, and I deserve him to give me several huge-ass slaps through the face. Okay.

Arabella: 9:51

Yes.

Nicole: 9:53

“Okay”, I said, finally. “I give up. Why am I being cuddled?”(Both laugh)“I just felt like holding you”, he replied simply. I decided to let myself trust the moment and not overthink it. Good for me.(Arabella can be heard giggling)“I was thinking”, Mike said, “you deserve a reward for helping us out today-”“Really?” I said excitedly. “What can I have?” Oh my god.(Arbella can be heard giggling again)“One get out of jail free card”. Arabella Can I use it? Immediately please? I should’ve, I should have said “ah thanks very much, let me now tell you...“Meaning if I do something you don’t like, I don’t get in trouble?”“Yes, but it’s only for minor offences”, he said, “no big rule breaking. No upsetting The Band, no fucking other people—especially not-”“-Jay, I know-” Haaah. Ironic!

Arabella: 10:13

This could have been, the perfect time, to tell him, that you had a sleepover. An innocent sleepover. With Jay.

Nicole: 10:15

But then, there wouldn't be a story, there wouldn't be this tension building amongst you and all our adoring listeners going, “What the fuck is she doing!?”(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 10:18

Yes! Yes. You little, little, cute, little twat.

Nicole: 10:20

I hope that's how you guys are feeling, otherwise we failed. If you don't feel frustrated with my character right now, then we're doing storytelling wrong. Mike was still holding me when I woke up on the sofa where we clearly fell asleep. I felt amazing in his arms. Oh, no no no no.

Arabella: 10:24

Ohhhhhhhh no no. He pulled me closer against him, but I could tell by his breathing that he was still asleep. Either way I didn’t want him to let me go. That is some deep thinking there, because I'm thinking it's not just physically. Yeah.

Nicole: 10:30

Bless. Bless me.

Arbella: 10:32

Yeah.

Nicole: 10:34

But I felt uncomfortable that I still hadn’t told him about the sleepover with Jason.

Arabella: 10:36

Twenty Hail Marys.

Nicole: 10:38

Oh, it's gonna be way more than that, I have a feeling.

Arabella: 10:40

Oh yeah.

Nicole: 10:42

I slipped out from under his arms. It was just after seven.(Arabella makes a sloooop type noise) That’s, alright—

Arabella: 10:46

I don't know why, but I, I just sort of, in my head I saw you like turn into jelly. You know, in like cartoons when someone tries to slip underneath someone's arm and they're like—(Both make underwater bubbling sound effects)

Nicole: 10:49

That's exactly what happened.

Arabella: 10:51

And they wobble onto the floor.

Nicole: 10:53

Also, the trauma, guys. We're revealing a lot about ourselves in this story, obviously, but the trauma. Look how deep the trauma goes. I was just like I don't want him to let me go, but every cell in my body is like “I'm slipping out from under his arms. Heheheheh.”

Arabella: 10:55

Yes, getting the fuck out of it.

Nicole: 10:57

Too much holding. My, like, my heart and everything is like, “oh, this is nice, we should stay” and my body's like “no no no no no no no.”

Arabella: 10:59

No.

Nicole: 11:01

Get the fuck outta here. Okay It was just after seven, too early for me to be up but my thoughts were suffocating me.

Arabella: 11:04

Yep.

Nicole: 11:06

May this be a lesson to me, and to everyone who communicates, who doesn't tell their Dom a thing.

Arabella: 11:08

Or does anyone a thing

Nicole: 11:10

It will suffocate you.

Arabella: 11:12

Yes.

Nicole: 11:14

Learn from my mistakes.

Arabella: 11:16

Good, clear communication stops suffocation.

Nicole: 11:18

(Nicole starts to say something then “oooooo”s; Arabella joins her) Okay, I love that.

Arabella: 11:21

Yes! I made a new saying

Nicole: 11:23

You did. It also kind of doubles up as like a safe word. Do you know what I mean?(Nicole laughs a little)

Arabella: 11:26

Yes.

Nicole: 11:28

This is what you get. Okay. So, this is, this is partly, as a writer, I'm exaggerating. This could happen to me, because I, I can get a bit in my head and be a bit stupid, right. But

Arabella: 11:30

Yes

Nicole: 11:32

When it comes to kink and stuff, I'm a great communicator. And I've— actually, this is important to tell you guys, because I've, I spoke to a Dom online, um. Completely platonically, just so you know. But, um, the, in the States, and he is, he's very good, he's a professional, and he was saying, um. That a lot of us, when we start out in the kink scene, we, we’re, we use a lot of it to heal trauma, and that's great, that's okay, you know. But that's why, like, a lot of people very early on gravitates to, to being a brat. A lot of submissives who actually aren't brats at all gravitate to being brats right in the beginning, because it's kind of a human instinct to um,

Arabella: 11:34

To mess up

Nicole: 11:36

To be defiant, you know, and especially if you've been hurt a little bit, then you're like “no I won't do what you tell me. Make me!” You know? Um.

Arabella: 11:38

Yeah.

Nicole: 11:40

And then, and he was saying but bratting, is an advanced skill, for a submissive. Which is why when I started writing this story fifteen years ago, a lot of this stuff about me was true.

Arabella: 11:42

Yeah.

Nicole: 11:44

Because I was learning and I was a young'un.

Arabella: 11:46

Yeah.

Nicole: 11:48

But when I brat now? It's very different. It's very, it's not very mature, that's, that kind of goes against what bratting feels like. No, no, it's still very much the game, but. So, a lot of this is still true, but it's why I've realized I feel uncomfortable and sometimes I over explain things in the story, because I just want you guys to know... I, in a lot of ways, I'm no longer this person.

Arabella: 11:50

Yeah.

Nicole: 11:52

But we, it's a very, it's still an amaze—it's still me. It's still me. And it's still an amazing way to show people, and maybe help people learn and navigate kink in a different way, by showing you sometimes what not to do. Or like or do and then see what the consequences are. Do you know what I mean? After I took a shower, I changed into one of the silky bathrobes Bella made me buy. Apparently pep, I need people to make me do everything(Nicole chuckles) I sat out on the terrace having my breakfast and coffee instead of going down to where the other guys would no doubt be within the next half an hour or so. Oh, I'm like, staying away from people because I'm feeling guilty. The sun was faintly glowing in the sky as it had just risen. It was just after eight when Mike thundered down onto a plastic chair next to me.

Arabella: 12:00

I don't know what that sounds like. That sounds like the chair should just break.

Nicole: 12:02

When, when Mike Solomon thunders down on anything, I feel like it would break, yeah. But it's fiction, so it didn't. I dropped my toast onto the lounger in fright.“Why are you so jumpy?” Mike asked, amused.“It’s you”, I replied. “You’re very stealthy for a man of your-well, so muscled”. He smiled. I continued my breakfast after I put my toast back on the plate.“Hungry?” I asked.“Always”.“Should I-?”“I called already”. I finished my breakfast before Mike’s arrived, but I sat outside with him while he had his. Oh, look at that, there is a little. You see, there is still the. There is. There's been like a, a slight up in our relationship, with the cuddling and then now breakfasting in,

Arabella: 12:15

Yeah

Nicole: 12:17

Like private, and having a giggle, and. I think also because Mike is a bit, also quite— all of these guys are really sensitive people. Um, they know what, they can feel stuff. And like, I think he knows something's up with me, because I'm not doing

Arabella: 12:19

Yes

Nicole: 12:21

Normal for me things.

Arabella: 12:23

Yeah.

Nicole: 12:25

Even though he's only known me a short amount of time, he's like oh, she’s stressed, what’s going on. You know? So—

Arabella: 12:27

Yes. He's like, let's keep this calm. Let’s keep this-

Nicole: 12:29

Yeah. Because he's probably hoping to, to not have to get upset with me, and just. I will tell him if I feel—

Arabella: 12:31

Yes.

Nicole: 12:33

—calm and safe enough, so, bless him.

Arabella: 12:35

Bless him.

Nicole: 12:37

Yeah.

Arabella: 12:39

He's so wrong. But bless him.

Nicole: 12:41

No actually, he wouldn't. He would be right these days, but, not when—

Arabella: 12:43

He would be right. He would be right, but I'm talking in the story.

Nicole: 12:45

Oh yeah.

Arabella: 12:47

Yeah, yeah.

Nicole: 12:49

(Nicole sighs) So intimate, so lovely.“Why is it you never break wind?” Oh shit!(Arabella cackles) So intimate, so lovely! Why is it you never break wind?

Arabella: 12:57

So lovely, so romantic.

Nicole: 12:59

Oh shit.

Arabella: 13:01

Why is it you never break wind?

Nicole: 13:03

I know how to ruin a thing, that's for sure.“Why is it you never break wind?” I asked impulsively. He turned to me with a look of utter surprise on his face. “What?”“You know-fart?” I rephrased.(Nicole starts to laugh, Arabella cackles)“No, I understand English”, he said, “but what the hell kind of question is that?” I shrugged. “I just realised you never do”. He laughed. “I do”.“I’ve never noticed”. He scratched the side of his head absent-mindedly. “So, what you’re saying is that you want me to fart more?”(Both laugh)“No”. I rolled my eyes. “I was just observing”. What? And clearly talking shit is what is happening here.

Arabella: 13:17

Yes!

Nicole: 13:19

I'm just—

Arabella: 13:21

You literally. You can't, you can’t not.

Nicole: 13:23

(Nicole sighs) That's probably a part of me was like, “Ooo this is too intimate. I need to bring up something stupid.”

Arabella: 13:26

Yes. Let's find what my brain can come up with right now.

Nicole: 13:28

Let's make this as unsexy as possible.

Arabella: 13:30

I decided to change and do some stretching in the sitting room as Jason had already left for breakfast. He was still in a mood, and I hoped that Nicole had listened and told Mike about the previous morning. I was stretching with my legs in a triangle, my hands on the floor and my head between my legs when I heard Zander come in. I came out of the position.“Had a good shower?” I asked when I noticed his wet hair.

Zander, who sat down on one of the chairs against the wall replied: 13:33

“As showers go. What’re you doing?”“Stretching—I’m a bit sore from the last show and I wanted to work some kinks out before tonight”.“Oh, work some kinks out?” He winked. “Do you want me to help with those kinks?”

Nicole: 13:37

Aaaaa—

Arabella: 13:39

Sure, I—

Nicole: 13:41

I, I love the double meaning here. It makes me happy.(Nicole chuckles)

Arabella: 13:44

Yes. Yes.“Sure”, I responded. “I can use a partner for the stretches on the floor”.“I’m your man”. Ooooooh, yeayes. I lay down on my back and stretched my left leg onto my chest. “Okay, now use your body to gently push down my leg-““No problem”, he smiled and got down onto his knees to help me. He had barely started when he shifted his position, and his lips found mine. I pushed him away gently. “This is not helping me stretch-“(Nicole giggles) He grinned. “Little do you know—” He pulled himself onto me on the floor and kissed me again. “…you see, I’m stretching your mouth-“(Nicole laughs) I laughed into his mouth as his lips found mine again. I gave up on the idea of stretching and kissed him back, passionately. Yeah, that didn't take long.

Nicole: 13:55

Noo!

Arabella: 13:57

Okay then! Fine—

Nicole: 13:59

I'm gonna say I'm done stretching.

Arabella: 14:01

Fuck the stretching! Fuck the stretching.

Nicole: 14:03

Fuck the stretching, we're gonna fuck him now.(Both laugh a little) And yet, you're still trying to make him stop for some reason.

Arabella: 14:08

Yes.“We’re going to be late for breakfast”, I felt obliged to remind him.“I don’t care”

Nicole: 14:12

I don’t care!(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 14:15

Care!(Arabella’s voice is low and growly. Both continue laughing and Arabella snorts)

Nicole: 14:18

That voice was a little too thick with lust, he almost became a werewolf

Arabella: 14:20

Right.“I don’t care”, he responded, and pulled my shirt off over my head, before kissing me again. He managed to undo my sports bra without my knowledge as it suddenly came free of my breasts and he caught my left nipple in his mouth.(Nicole barks a short laugh) I mean, that's mad skills right there I mean—

Nicole: 14:25

Mad skills. Undoing a sports bra—

Arabella: 14:27

To get someone out of a sports bra without them noticing.

Nicole: 14:29

Yeah.

Arabella: 14:31

Fiction.

Nicole: 14:33

Especially as you, you—

Arabella: 14:35

Fiction should at its finest!

Nicole: 14:37

Fiction at its finest, yeah. You can especially, because you have to see the, the sports bra Bella and I have to wear.

Arabella: 14:39

Yes, because we are blessed

Nicole: 14:41

It's the kind of contraptions—

Arbella: 14:43

...With the big, huge boobies. I mean, you really gotta wrestle yourself into it, and wrestle to get it done up. And undoing is like a whole other thing.

Nicole: 14:45

There are…

Arabella: 14:47

That you're fighting, and going around in a circle—

Nicole: 14:49

Exactly.

Arabella: 14:51

—trying to get it off.

Nicole: 14:53

Because there are. My normal bras have one, two, three clips at least.

Arabella: 14:55

Yeah.

Nicole: 14:57

Um, and then the—

Arabella: 14:59

My sports bras have about four or five.

Nicole: 15:01

Exactly! And then it also has like a halter around the neck, so I was like—

Arabella: 15:03

Exactly! It has bits around the neck, and you've got to, like, really fight, with it.

Nicole: 15:05

So basically—

Arabella: 15:07

Quite often, I have to have a little breather in between—

Nicole: 15:09

Yep.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 15:12

Because I'm like I need to sit down. This is exhausting.

Nicole: 15:14

No, no, okay, it's not that bad for me, but.

Arabella: 15:16

Well, I have chronic fatigue, so it doesn’t take much for me.

Nicole: 15:18

Yes, we are not the same, I get that. But basically, no matter how fit a guy you are, this is fictional. You're not going to get this off.

Arabella: 15:20

So fictional.

Nicole: 15:22

Right.

Arabella: 15:24

Yes. He managed to undo my sports bra without my knowledge as it suddenly came free of my breasts and he caught my left nipple in his mouth. I gasped but he caught the gasp with his mouth Apparently, he's incredibly fast too.

Nicole: 15:29

He's a vampire!(Nicole cackles)

Arabella: 15:32

The same gasp from the nipple. He has caught with his mouth

Nicole: 15:34

Yup. He's clearly a vampire, you know, impossibly fast and strong.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 15:37

Strong!(Both dissolve into cackles)

Nicole: 15:40

So sorry.(Arabella laughs some more) Why can't, why can’t we be serious? Like we have—

Arabella: 15:44

I don't know. Well, it's also the fact that you rush through these scenes of mine. When writing it, because you just can't write about Zander. If it was about me and just sort of **** or someone, you'd be like yeah, here we go.(“****” was bleeped)

Nicole: 15:47

You and who, Bella? You and who?

Arabella: 15:49

Mike

Nicole: 15:51

Yeah.

Arabella: 15:53

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Nicole: 15:55

Just so people know, it's um, it’s not Bella, it's me. I just can't write for Zander. I need to pretend it's someone else. Oh gosh.

Arabella: 15:57

And then just put Zander's name in at the end.

Nicole: 15:59

Yeah, replace all.(Both laugh) Oh my gosh. Seriously, though, I have to bear in mind that we're gonna get super famous and that in like, years in the future, he's gonna be listening to this and look, if you realize it's you. I'm so sorry, you are wonderful. It is not you; it is me.

Arabella: 16:03

I love that confidence for us. I so do, because we're going to be super famous.

Nicole: 16:05

Yes, read.

Arabella: 16:07

I love that confidence. Okay, yes, yes, yes, ma'am.(Nicole laughs) You should see the death stare she just gave me.

I gasped but he caught the gasp with his mouth as he suddenly kissed me again. I reached down to his trousers to undo them quickly and pulled them down to his knees where he grabbed them and pulled them the rest of the way off before pulling down mine fervently. He pushed into my seconds later as he opened his mouth to mine and placed his hand on my throat applying a little pressure. We were too filled with passion and energy for either of us to last very long, and our rhythm, though harmonised was wild. Soon, we sighed in relief as we came and Zander collapsed on me, saying: 16:10

“Fuck”.(Nicole cackles)

Nicole: 16:13

I'm so sorry!

Arabella: 16:15

And that is it! That was the sex scene people.

Nicole: 16:17

I'm so sorry!(Arabella laughs) Gosh. Okay in my defence—

Arabella: 16:21

It made it seem like we didn't last for like, a minute.(Nicole laughs)

Okay, can I just be very clear: 16:24

I'm so sorry everyone. I think you've understood. I need Bella's help to write for Zander. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Arabella: 16:26

Because you rushed through it so fast.

Nicole: 16:28

Wow, I took. The longest part of the sex scene was you guys removing your trousers.

Arabella: 16:30

The trousers!

Nicole: 16:32

The actual sex was like two lines.

Arabella: 16:34

I mean that, the trousers had three lines.(Nicole laughs) The sex, had, maybe four.

Nicole: 16:38

Not even. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And the aftermath of the sex was just, “fuck.”(Nicole cackles)

Arabella: 16:42

Fuck. And then suddenly, While we were changing our clothes in the bedroom a few minutes later.

Nicole: 16:45

Yeah!

Arabella: 16:47

No cuddling, no!

Nicole: 16:49

I was so sorry.

Arabella: 16:51

No nothing.

Nicole: 16:53

Okay, look, I will be— I endeavour to be better when it comes to Zander, how about that?

Arabella: 16:55

Thank you.

Nicole: 16:57

Maybe, maybe—

Arabella: 16:59

I deserve good sex scenes too!

Nicole: 17:01

You do, I'm so sorry. Maybe what we should do, is maybe I should try and actively feel attracted to Zander for a change.

Arabella: 17:03

(Arabella snorts a laugh) I don't think that's going to work, with you.

Nicole: 17:06

Ohhhh. For the sake of the podcast—

Arabella: 17:08

I love you for wanting to try. I love you for, because, let me just say, guys, I am not a writer. I'm not a writer. She is,

Nicole: 17:10

But this is

Arabella: 17:12

But I will help her.

Nicole: 17:14

Well, I just want the ideas of what, I mean, I know what you like because, you know…Yeah.

Arabella: 17:16

Yes! Exactly, you know what I like.

Nicole: 17:18

But it's just, it’s just for some reason just having to write as Zander, because with everyone else I really like, try and embody their character. And with him it's just so hard.

Arabella: 17:20

Yeah.

Nicole: 17:22

Okay, we've lingered on this a long time now.

Arabella: 17:24

Longer than the sex scene.

Nicole: 17:26

(Nicole gasps a laugh and Arabella quiet but squeakily laughs at Nicole) Oh my gosh, you should have seen the freaking gesture she just made at me. Awful… Awful.

While we were changing our clothes in the bedroom a few minutes later, Zander asked: 17:29

“How many boyfriends have you had?”“Sorry?” I asked, looking up from lacing my dark blue corset top.“You heard me”.“Why do you want to know this?” I asked, perplexed.“That bad, huh?”“No, two serious ones”, I told him. “A bunch of lovers, I guess. I imagine you’ve had a lot more”. He sighed. “Not a lot—” he said, “I started dating Lillian in my late teens so before that I didn’t have a lot of girlfriends. One or two”.“Lillian, of course”, I swallowed, trying not to think too much about his ex-wife. “Your divorce is finalised right?” He chuckled. “Yes, why?”“I’d rather not complicate things if they aren’t”.

He walked over and pulled me against him in a hug. “You’re not complicating anything”. He kissed my forehead, then let me go and started walking to the door. As he opened the door, he turned back, saying: 17:39

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your behaviour yesterday evening—your punishment will come when you least expect it”. With that he walked out, closing the door behind him, and leaving me gaping after him.

Nicole: 17:41

Mmmhmm

Arabella: 17:43

Hoooooooooo

Nicole: 17:45

What was that about you saying you weren't a submissive?

Arabella: 17:47

Well.

Nicole: 17:49

Well, I promise you guys for this punishment he's speaking of, I promise to do a much better job at writing it, I promise.

Arabella: 17:51

Yeah, you better.

Nicole: 17:53

I endeavour, to promise.

Arabella: 17:55

I, I hold a lot of hopes for this.

Nicole: 17:57

It's gonna be good, don't you worry.

Arabella: 17:59

Yeah. On the way to the venue in Milan on the ever-popular bus, Nicole asked the guys for a favour.

Nicole: 18:02

“Will you let me watch from the crowd tonight?”

“Why?” Mike asked lazily. “Why would you watch from the crowd if you can watch from the wings? ”Nicole: 18:05

“For the atmosphere and excitement”.

Arabella: 18:07

“I don’t know”, Mike said, “I don’t love that you’re going by yourself”.

Nicole: 18:09

“Bella could come with me- “(Nicole shoots out a breath laughing)

Arabella: 18:12

“I’m dancing, Nicky”, I reminded her with a smile.

Nicole: 18:14

“Oh, yeah—well, I’ll be fine, I have a black belt in karate”.

Arabella: 18:16

The whole band laughed.“She’s not kidding”, I told them.“Shit—really?” Noah asked, “that’s pretty cool”.“I wasn’t talking about you getting hurt going by yourself”, Mike explained. “Are you planning on skipping town?”(Nicole chuckles) She chuckled.

Nicole: 18:23

“Why would I run away from being on tour with my favourite band?”

Arabella: 18:25

Carter laughed. “Are we getting too much for you to handle, Sticky?”

Nicole: 18:27

“I just want to be a fan for a while, without the rules and the anxiety and the second-guessing”. And I'm not saying this to, I'm not saying this to them, but I'm also so guilty I just want to not be in their presence for a bit.

Arabella: 18:30

Yes, yes you are.

Nicole: 18:32

Trying to avoid—

Arabella: 18:34

I need to escape the guilt!

Nicole: 18:36

I'm trying to avoid speaking to Mike as well, which is a big mistake.

Arabella: 18:38

Yes.“You’re more than our fan, Sticky”, Jason smiled.

Nicole: 18:41

“Argh! You too?”

Arabella: 18:43

“I like that name on you”.

Nicole: 18:45

“I want to remind myself what it felt like to be just a fan, you know before I felt like I wanted to kill you!”

Arabella: 18:47

“Huh?” Jason asked, confused.

Nicole: 18:49

“Not you specifically, Jay”,

Arabella: 18:51

She corrected quickly. Mike cleared his throat loudly. “What did you say?”

Nicole: 18:54

“Mr. Shanahan. Ugh, you’re a dick-”

Arabella: 18:56

“What?” Jason was laughing then even though he was confused.

Nicole: 18:58

“No, not you, Jay! I meant Mike!”

Arabella: 19:00

Mike sighed deeply. “You’re not listening to me”.

Nicole: 19:02

“See this is why I want to be around normal people. I, I need a break...I don’t want to be on my toes the whole time-”

Arabella: 19:04

“If you just listen-“ Mike started.“Mike”, Zander said, putting his hand on Mike’s shoulder. “Let her go...why not?” Mike sighed. “I’ll ask Billy to get you a pass so you can come backstage afterwards”.

Nicole: 19:08

“Thank you”

Arabella: 19:10

Nicole grinned and squeezed his hand.

Nicole: 19:12

“Just one more thing- “

Arabella: 19:14

Zander laughed. “I knew it!” I gave him a pointed look.

Nicole: 19:17

“When you play the song for the ladies, will you dedicate it to Bella and me?”

Arabella: 19:19

“Why would we do that?” Noah asked.

“Because it would make me happy-“Arabella: 19:22

She looked hopefully around at them all.“Honestly”, I added, “it would make me super happy too”.“We’ll see”, Carter answered.

Nicole: 19:26

I love how Carter answered, like he considered it when you also said it makes you happy. But.

Arabella: 19:28

Yes

Nicole: 19:30

When it was just for me, we won't see.

Bella: 19:32

Nahhh.

Nicole: 19:34

For Bella, we will see, even though I helped him with his erection. What a douche. Sorry.

Arabella: 19:36

I know right.“Try to stay out of trouble”, Mike said.“Best not to aim to high, Mike”, I told him.

Nicole: 19:40

Wow.(Arabella chuckles) The confidence you have in me.

Arabella: 19:44

So much. Once again, you know I-I-I'm managing expectations, so you don't have to panic. Nicole. That's fair. I'm trying to manage.

Nicole: 19:50

You sure, you probably should have managed a lot more,

Arabella: 19:52

Yes

Nicole: 19:54

Because of the shenanigans that's about to take place.

Arabella: 19:56

Yes, I really should have. But to be fair, at that point, I didn't know you hadn't told Mike still.

Nicole: 19:59

That's true.(Theme music plays signalling a break) Later that evening, I said good luck and goodbye to the guys and Bella. Zander, Noah and Carter hugged me. Mike refused to let me go anywhere before he duct-taped my phone to my forearm. Fuck my life.(Arabella cackles uproariously)“Is this really necessary?” I asked him, disgusted, “people will think I’m a nutcase”.

Arabella: 20:08

You are.

Nicole: 20:10

Yeah but, now they’ll. People will know I’m a nutcase!(Nicole chuckles)“I don’t give a shit what is looks like”, he told me, seriously, “now you know where it is, and when it rings, you fucking answer it”.“This is an unbelievable over-reaction”, I complained as the rest of The Band sniggered. Is it, though? How many times—

Arabella: 20:16

Is it really?

Nicole: 20:18

—have I answered? How many times have I answered the phone when he calls?

Arabella: 20:20

And also know where your phone is.

Nicole: 20:22

Or that. And how many times have I answered the phone, during speaking to him though?

Arabella: 20:24

Yes.

Nicole: 20:26

So, he's like, what is this bullshit?

Arabella: 20:28

Yes!

Nicole: 20:30

So, fair. Maybe it's not that unbelievable.“This is an unbelievable over-reaction”, I complained as the rest of The Band sniggered.

Mike put his hands on my shoulders and said: 20:32

“Be good”.(Nicole wheezes a laugh and Bella wheezes then cackles) Jason waved at me from a few metres away which was super weird. No it wasn't. I know why.“Hey, wait!” Mark Miller called, standing in the doorway.“What’s up, Mark?” I asked him.“New Band shirt”, Mark said. “You can do some advertising while you’re out there-”“Really?” I asked excitedly.“Yeah, and ‘cause you wear that thing all the time”. I blushed.(Arabella chortles)“I do not...”“When we play, you do”, Noah added.“Thanks very much, Noah--Mr. Nowak.” Oh my, why did I Mr. Nowak him? I've called no one

Arabella: 20:48

I know

Nicole: 20:50

By their, by their titles for a million years. And I just suddenly, out of nowhere, went Noah, Mr. Nowak.(Nicole chuckles) What?! I looked back at Mark. “I like my shirt”. He handed me the new shirt. It was still black, but the emblem had a green sheen to it and there was blood dripping into a puddle at the bottom of the shirt. It read The Band above the emblem in yellow. I gasped. “It’s pretty awesome!” I accepted the shirt. “Thank you, Mark”. He smiled. “Pleasure, Sticky...Enjoy yourself”. I frowned at him. “Not you too?”(Arabella chuckles) He shrugged. “It rubs off on you”. I hurriedly took off my shirt and pulled the new one on. Carter laughed. “Not long ago, you refused to get in the pool in your underwear—now you’re just undressing in front of everyone”. I shrugged. “You get used to it”. That and I got over my, whatever that pool nonsense was.

Arabella: 21:06

Although, it's not something, I think it's because everything was exposed there. Whereas this it's just like, Ooo quick change shirt.

Nicole: 21:08

I was then wearing a black skirt with ripped tights, the new shirt and my doc martins. I had to hurry if I wanted to be at the front. Yeah, at this point, I'm not going to be at the front.(Nicole chuckles) Like no, way too late. Unless I like, beat everyone out my way, which I won't.“See ya!” I shouted at the door and started running down the hallway.“Nicole!” Jason was suddenly behind me.“Jay?” I said, my heart accelerating at the sight of him.(Arabella giggles like a madwoman)“Have you told Mike?”“It’s really not a big deal”, I answered quickly, “you’re making it a big deal”. He looked at me with hard eyes. “Did you tell him?” I shook my head. “I couldn’t find the right words-“He grumbled. “Just fucking tell him—go tell him now, or I will- ““I’ll tell him after the show-“ I said and attempted to flee.(Arabella giggles) He grabbed me easily by my arm and yanked me back.(Arabella giggles more as Nicole reads) Oh, which would have done all sorts of things to my pulse.(Nicole chuckles)

Arabella: 21:28

Yes. Oh yes.

Nicole: 21:30

“I’m not playing, this is your last chance- ““Any way I say it, he’ll be pissed- ““Just say I spent the night with Jay- ““You hear how that sounds, right?”“Fuck it, I’m telling him!”“No, no—wait”, I said quickly. “Just give me two hours to get my words straight and I’ll tell him- “ He sighed. “Two hours—not a second more”(Nicole releases a long breath) But I mean that gives me like, five minutes to tell him after the show finishes.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 21:41

Yes. Yeah.

Nicole: 21:43

He knows this, but I also know that I just lied to him again ‘cause—

Arabella: 21:45

Yes.

Nicole: 21:47

Even if he gave me three days, I wouldn't do it.

Arabella: 21:49

No.

Nicole: 21:51

I need; I need to get a sharp-ass smack through the face.

Arabella: 21:53

Yes.

Nicole: 21:55

My younger self, you know. I stood waiting in anticipation in front of the stage. No matter how many times you’ve seen The Band live, you can never wait to see them again. It was an inside gig. It was weird to be surrounded by civilisation again.(Nicole chuckles) Oh wow(Arabella chuckles then loudly inhales) I know what I mean—

Arabella: 22:02

With the plebeians.

Nicole: 22:04

—but it sounds strange. Everyone around me was speaking excitedly in Italian. No one was speaking to me, and I wasn’t speaking to anyone, but everyone was smiling at me, and I was smiling back. Because I can't speak Italian. I was happy to be out of the uncomfortable situation with The Band backstage. But I did feel like I missed their company already.

Arabella: 22:09

Aww

Nicole: 22:11

But it was freeing to just hang out by myself with no second-guessing whether I was doing the right thing. Which I absolutely wasn't.

Arabella: 22:14

You were not.

Nicole: 22:16

I was not When the guys—

Arabella: 22:19

You were really not.

Nicole: 22:21

—came on stage, the crowd went wild. And of course, so did I. Because I was in the crowd.(Nicole laughs so snarkily)

Arabella: 22:25

I am now part of the crowd! So, when I say the crowd, I mean me!

Nicole: 22:27

I meeean. They played a mix from across all their albums. It was absolutely different, watching them from down where I was.(Nicole dissolves into laughter)

Arabella: 22:31

What were you on when you were writing this tiny bit?

Nicole: 22:33

I didn't know where I was in my brain. It was absolutely different, watching them from down where I was. For instance, I sweated a lot more.(Nicole starts to laugh, Arabella totally laughs) I'm writing this like an alien that's,

Arabella: 22:38

What is happening?

Nicole: 22:40

That’s gone to see a band for the first time. One week on tour with the band and suddenly being in the crowd is weird and different.(Nicole laughs at herself)

Arabella: 22:43

Yes.(Arabella laughs)

Nicole: 22:46

I'm like, “oh gosh, they sweat down here!”(Nicole laughs some more)

Arabella: 22:49

What is this? I don't- aghh.

Nicole: 22:51

But I felt like a real fan and that’s what I wanted. Or that’s what I wanted for one night.(Arabella giggles highly) They looked so big from where I was. So amazing. So unreal. Gosh…what a… Dickhead!(Both slowly collapsing into laughter and mirth as this conversation carries on)

Arabella: 22:57

Oh my god that, that's hilarious. I love this paragraph.

Nicole: 22:59

It's redonk— it's reDONK-u-lous.

Arabella: 23:01

It’s redonk!(Nicole laughs)

Nicole: 23:04

Mike was standing on the ego booster

Arabella: 23:06

A boing!(Both laugh)

Nicole: 23:09

Oh boing!?(Both continue laughing) Oh boing! That one time I went to see The Band from, the Crowd.(Nicole softly cackles)

Arabella: 23:14

Oh boing.

Nicole: 23:16

(Both trying to calm down their laughter) Ooooo

Arabella: 23:19

Ooooo

Nicole: 23:21

Mike was standing on the ego booster, looking out to the audience. “Are you having a good time tonight?” he roared over the microphone. Everybody cheered and Zander supported the statement with some cheeky riffs from his guitar.“We’ve got some friends with us tonight”, Mike announced. “And we’re going to dedicate this one to them...”“So, here’s to them...they know who they are”, he continued. “And those little brats better be grateful…”

Arabella: 23:26

Yeeeaaah.(Arabelle say this all growly)

Nicole: 23:29

Ye-es, we are. I stood flabbergasted, gaping as they started playing the song. I didn’t think they would. I certainly don't deserve it.

Arabella: 23:33

No, you do not. I do; you do not.

Nicole: 23:35

Terrible. He doesn't know, I don't deserve it yet. My heart glowed happily as I watched them parade across the stage to their astounding music.(Arabella giggles to herself) I'm so sorry about how vague that was you guys, I'm bet, I'm a better writer than that, but it was— Arabella I also, I also just loved with the, “we're going to dedicate this one to them, so here's to them. They know who they are.”(Nicole laughs softly) You're just repeating the same things in slightly different ways, and I love it. It’s hilarious. Oh, it’s horrible. This is the, I'm not proud of this, but. There's no other way to describe without giving away…………………...details. I decided I’d rather go straight backstage after the gig because I wanted to tell them that they were the best band in the world and also tell Mike about the indiscretion the previous morning before Jason did. And I'm seriously high on-stage adrenaline right now.

Arabella: 23:49

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Nicole: 23:51

Mike has... He must realize the power he has. If he wants me to do anything, just play me some of their music, and then I'll be like, “oh my God, you're the best band in the world” and suddenly I'd be the most submissive submissive you've ever seen.

Arabella: 23:53

Yes. Submissive that submitted to ever.

Arabella & Nicole: 23:55

Submitted submissive(Both snicker a bit)

Nicole: 23:58

I was bouncing giddily towards the outside of the stadium to the backstage door when someone called my name.

Arabella: 24:00

She does actually bounce. When she's that excited, she, she is like Tigger.(Nicole laughs almost haughtily) Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! The wonderful thing about Tiggers is, is that IIIIIII'm the only one.(Nicole giggles)

Nicole: 24:05

I turned to find Timothy Carter walking towards me.

Arabella: 24:07

Oh, Timothy fucking Carter.

Nicole: 24:09

Here he comes to ruin the daaaay!(Nicole sings this like a showtune)

Arabella: 24:12

Every time! Every time.(Arabella also sings this like a showtune)

Nicole: 24:15

My heart caught in my throat. “Hey”. I didn’t look good. I was sure of it. I felt sweaty. My hair was wild, and my make-up was running down my cheeks. As became my signature look. After a mosh.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 24:20

It does, it is, it is.

Nicole: 24:22

He cast a look down me.“What are you doing here?” I asked more sternly than intended.“You’re not the only fan of The Band, you know”.“Right”. I was not happy that he was a journalist.“Why aren’t you backstage?” Timothy asked. “Are you promoting out here?”“I was asked to sell some t-shirts”, I invented.(Nicole dissolves into giggles) Having no t-shirts with me.

Arabella: 24:31

Nope, just the one.

Nicole: 24:33

What the f— I'm so bad at lying because I choose a lie that just doesn't work.

Arabella: 24:35

Although it could do, because you might have been out there selling T-shirts and now, you're going back.

Nicole: 24:37

Oh right, behind the merch table. Yeah, that makes sense.

Arabella: 24:39

So, you're not going to carry them around like a twat.

Nicole: 24:41

Oh, really? I might!

Arabella: 24:43

Well, you might.(Nicole laughs at herself) You might.

Nicole: 24:47

And one more T-shirt!(Nicole sings this)

Arabella: 24:50

But it wouldn’t be the way to do it T-shirt, what size are you? Oh shit, oh shit. The shirts are everywhere!(Nicole laughs at this)

Nicole: 24:54

Fuck my life. This is why I'm not the promo girl, but the groupie girl.(Nicole laughs some more)

Arabella: 24:57

And you'll be scrambling on the floor trying to get the shirt. So, you'll be like, ahhhhh!

Nicole: 24:59

That'll be great. Anyway.“I was asked to sell some t-shirts”, I invented. “I’m actually on my way back now-oh crap! I never got my backstage pass”. Timothy laughed.(Arabella says something unintelligible) Timothy laughed. “Just phone someone. I’m sure they’ll come get you”. Then he clocked the phone duct taped to my forearm and frowned.(Arabella quietly laughs in the background)“Why do you have a phone attached to your arm?”“Got to go”. I started walking off.(Arabella cackles at this) Cause how do you explain that?

Arabella: 25:10

Exactly that's, your like, “Annnnd, I'm running away now.”

Nicole: 25:12

“Hang on!” He came running after me. I sighed softly.“How’s the tour going?”“Good”, I replied shortly. “Listen, I’m not happy that you didn’t tell me you were a journalist before”.“You wouldn’t have given me so much juicy gossip otherwise- ““Now, hang on just a minute- ““You’re not the promo girl, are you?”“I am”, I insisted. “And I have work to do-“(Arabella and Nicole chuckle at fictional Nicole’s bad lie)“D’you have sex with all of them?”

Arabella: 25:23

Oh, he can just—

Nicole: 25:25

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you!”

Arabella: 25:27

Just, fuck off!(Nicole starts to cackle) You can seriously just fuck off!(Nicole continues cackling)

Nicole: 25:32

If only you went with me Bella

Arabella: 25:34

I know, I would have told him right to his face to FUCK OFF!(Nicole chuckles)

Nicole: 25:37

Fuck offfff Timothy! Alright,“It doesn’t have anything to do with you!” I snapped. He grinned. “Well, I hope you’re getting something out of it-”“I’m not fucking him to get into the music business-”(Both groan at this)

Arabella: 25:44

Ohhhhhhh, Nicky.

Nicole: 25:46

He chuckled. “Let’s hope not—see ya”. He hurried off. Fuck. Shit. Spoke too much.

Arabella: 25:49

That is literally your anthem.

Arabella & Nicole: 25:51

Fuck. Shit. Spoke too much. Fuck! Shit! Spoke too much!(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 25:54

Spoke too much.

Nicole: 25:56

True. While standing there, I dialled Billy.(Nicole half laughs, half coughs)

Arabella: 26:00

Nicole is currently pretending her phone is taped to her arm and is—

Nicole: 26:02

Trying to type

Arabella: 26:04

—pressing buttons as if it was like one of the old phones.

Nicole: 26:06

Oh yeah, I'm so sorry.

Arabella: 26:08

It's that hard.

Nicole: 26:10

Yeah, that's not how we do anymore. You know what I'm saying. I dialled Billy’s number again. There was still no answer. Perfect timing as always. I tried Bella, hoping she wasn’t still changing.

Arabella: 26:13

“Hey”

Nicole: 26:15

She finally answered.

Arabella: 26:17

“Where are you?”

Nicole: 26:19

“Outside in the queue to get inside”, I told her. “I forgot the stupid backstage pass”.

Arabella: 26:21

“Let me check with Mike—Mike, Nicky’s at the backstage door—she forgot the pass”

Nicole: 26:23

“Tell her she can stay there until I feel like going to get her”, I heard Mike say angrily.“Shit”, I said when Bella spoke to me again. “He knows, doesn’t he?”

Arabella: 26:26

“Yes”

Nicole: 26:28

She sighed.“Could you get someone else to come?” I begged. “Maybe Zander?”

Arabella: 26:32

“No one is currently in a very giving mood, Nicky. Why didn’t you tell him?”

Nicole: 26:34

“I was anxious”, I said quickly. “He can’t just leave me here forever”.

Arabella: 26:36

“I’ll see what I can do. Hang tight”.

Nicole: 26:38

Gosh. The queue was moving on. Most people were being showed away. I reached the door seconds later, panting with nerves. Which must be looking great in front of the security guard like,(Nicole pants heavily) I belong here, I promise!

Arabella: 26:44

Ahhhhh help!(Both laugh)

Nicole: 26:47

“Pass”, the security guard said.“I left mine inside”.“Sorry”, he said predictably. “I can’t let you in”.“I know The Band”, I said. “One of them is coming out to get me any moment now”. Hopefully...if the lead singer pulls his finger out of his arse! Aw. I don't know why I'm angry at him, he has every right to want to rip me to shreds right now.

Arabella: 26:54

Yes, but you're... You're angry because you’re...

Nicole: 26:56

Angry at myself.(Arabella makes a faux anguished sound)“Sure”, he said. “Until I see this...you’re staying out here”.“Pathetic”, I heard someone say. Giggling in triumph, she disappeared from view. I spent about five minutes contemplating just how stupid I was for not telling Mike. And the fact that he's probably now going to kick me off the fucking tour. He might never come and get me, just leave me out here for the rest of my life.

Arabella: 27:05

He might, might, he probably could do for quite a long time.

Nicole: 27:07

Yeah.

Arabella: 27:09

Although really to limit your bullshit.

Nicole: 27:11

Yeah, you’re right

Arabella: 27:13

I'm not sure that's the best plan.

Nicole: 27:15

No, it's not. Maybe just, come and get me and then, like safely transpose, put me in a corner somewhere.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 27:18

Yes, just put you in a room by yourself.

Nicole: 27:20

Yeah. Then screams filled the air and I looked up in shock. Carter had appeared in the door. He wove at his fans with a smile. I had never been so happy to see Carter in my life.“Mr. Townsend”...Dracula said.(Both have fits of laughter at Nicole’s “Italian” accent)

Arabella: 27:27

I come, to suck, your blood!

Nicole: 27:29

I’m so sorry,“Mr. Townsend”, the security guard greeted formally.“Hey”, he said. “I’ve come to get this girl”. He pointed to me. “Hey, Sticky Nicky”. The security guard nodded at me. “Go on”.(Nicole starts to laugh, Arabella cackles loudly at the accent again)

Arabella: 27:35

“Go on”. (In her slightly better Italian accent)

Nicole: 27:37

The fans gasped as Carter took my hand and pulled me in through the backstage door.“Thank you”, I said once we were inside, and it was quiet.“No problem”. We walked down the hallway.“Umm. You look uh-terrible”, Carter chuckled.(Arabella laughs quietly)“Thanks”, I said glumly. “You’re all so amazingly charming”.“I meant-you’re not smiling like you usually do after a show”, he rephrased. “Wassup?”“Mike didn’t tell you?”“Oh, yeah, hard to miss”, Carter said, “he was shouting in the greenroom”.(Arabella makes a higher pitched sound Ooooh) I groaned. “It’s not that big a deal-““Then why didn’t you tell him?” I realised we were still holding hands and pulled my hand back quickly(Arabella Awws) and cleared my throat, awkwardly.“I wish you’d shown up earlier”, I said, “everyone thought I was being really pathetic trying to claim I knew The Band”.“You’re a lot of things”, he said, “but pathetic is not one of them”.(Arabella Awws again) I blushed without being able to help myself.“Come on”, Carter said, “you’ll have to face the music sooner or later”. I found Bella in the hallway.

Arabella: 27:59

“Nicky! I’m glad you’re in—thanks, Carter”.

Nicole: 28:01

“You’re welcome”,“Is he in there?” I asked Bella, nodding towards the greenroom door.

Arabella: 28:04

“Not right this second. He went off somewhere a few minutes ago. It’s best you’re here though when he comes back”.

Nicole: 28:06

“Fair enough”. I sighed. “Is he super peeved?”

Arabella: 28:08

“What do you think?”

Nicole: 28:10

“Yeah, I’ll go wait inside then”.

I flung the door open a little more theatrically than intended and Noah said: 28:11

“Hello, beautiful!”“Post show adrenaline?” I asked smiling.“Maybe”. He winked.“Carter thinks I look like shit”, I told him, “And I’m inclined to agree”.(Arabella starts laughing)“I never said that”, Carter said quickly.“I think the exact words were terrible- “(Arabella continues laughing)“Come on”, he groaned, “you know what I said”.“Thanks so much for the song!” I grinned widely. “I’m running on show adrenaline!” Zander sniggered as he took Bella around the waist and kissed her fleetingly on the lips.“And I’ve had enough of gigs from the crowd while I’m here-“ I announced to the room.“Miss us too much?” Jason smiled.“You have no idea!” It just came flying out of my mouth. Everyone laughed including Bella.“I’ve had enough of mere mortals!” I announced, loudly unable to control my energy. “You guys are the Gods of Music!” Oh my God.(Bella cackles) Someone helpArabella Someone help (Arabella chuckles to herself)

Nicole: 28:32

“Someone give this girl a whiskey before she explodes”, Zander said.(Bella cackles some more)“And Bella—” I continued, “you were amazing tonight. Like it’s nuts how talented you are!”(Arabella awws)“I have to agree there”, Zander said. I wriggled around to get rid of some energy.“I feel a little crazy”, I said and shook my head from side to side. Arabella“Nicky?” Bella said as Noah handed me a glass of whiskey.

Arabella: 28:44

“You do know that your cheeks are covered in make-up, right?”

Nicole: 28:46

“Oh, crap!” I said, embarrassed. Putting my drink down, I wiped at my cheeks. “Better?”

Arabella: 28:48

“Not really”

Nicole: 28:50

I walked over to look in the mirror. “It was all that moshing. You sweat so much...” I didn't look good.(Arabella makes a short choking sound) I'm saying it like no one here has ever moshed before.

Arabella: 28:54

(Arabella huffs a laugh) No

Nicole: 28:57

“You sweat so much, you guys!”

Arabella: 28:59

You have no idea how this goes!

Nicole: 29:01

I'm just talking, like literally any thought is just(makes a “blegh” sound)

Arabella: 29:04

Yeah. That's because you're all, you're amped up.

Nicole: 29:06

I'm so amped, oh, and this is not good for when, when it comes down to shit on me.

Arabella: 29:08

And with nerves and stuff.

Nicole: 29:10

With nerves, with post-show adrenaline. When he comes and we go at it, it's gonna be. And what I mean go at it, I mean angry.

Arabella: 29:12

Yeah, yeah, not, not the fun.

Nicole: 29:14

No, although that would have helped a lot. Much better if he just takes it out of my body, much better. Sorry.(Arabella chuckles) I didn’t look good. I wiped the make-up off my cheeks before walking back to the guys and sat down on the couch next to Noah. “Can you smell me?” To my surprise, Noah pushed his face into my chest.(Arabella starts cackling) I, I did invite that. I did invite that a little bit. I mean, do it. If you take the opportunity—

Arabella: 29:21

Why the fuck not? Yes, please do bury into our breasts.

Nicole: 29:23

“No”, he replied, pulling away. “Clean sweat”. Everyone laughed at the shock on my face while I blushed.“I might actually not be human”. I agree, because what the fuck am I talking about?(Both laugh)“Yes!” Jason shouted, making all of us jump, then calmly, “Being human is overrated.”“Okay”, I smiled. “I suppose that makes two of us”.(Nicole laughs) They all started laughing again.“You’re not annoyed with me anymore, Jay?” I asked hopefully. Nice try, Nicole.

Arabella: 29:35

Yeah, good try.

Nicole: 29:37

“Why didn’t you just tell him?” I had too much energy, so I got up again. I stood with my back to the door, drinking my whiskey.“How pissed is Mike?” I asked the room.“Really pissed”, Mike’s voice came from behind me.(Arabella makes a higher pitched sound Woooooooo)“Shit-“ I turned around and took a step back immediately. “Look, I-““Shut up”, he ordered. “Why do I have to hear about your fucking antics from everyone but you?” I glanced helplessly at Jason.“Don’t look at Jay!” Mike barked. “Look at me! Explain”.“Uh, maybe we could talk about this in private?” I suggested, looking uncomfortably around at Bella and the other guys.“You had your chance to handle this privately”, Mike said angrily, “now you’ve made it everyone’s business, you get to do it in front of everyone-“I swallowed. “Nothing happened-I just chatted to him-““I know nothing happened”, Mike said, “I heard it from Jay-““I told you I’d tell him if you didn’t-“ Jason added.“I was waiting for the right time”, I told him.“The right time was yesterday morning—the moment you left my room-“ Jason said, irritated.

“It’s true, she’s the most sincere person I know-“Nicole: 29:51

“Well that’s very touching and all”, Mike said, “but it’s a little fucking late for that-““Please, Mike—uh, Mr. Solomon”, I almost begged. I completely begged.

Arabella: 29:54

Yes.

Nicole: 29:56

“I only slept there, I promise. Plus, it was an accident, I promise-““Stop promising stuff!”“I’m sorry-“ I said quickly, “but really, I didn’t mean to stay there-““Why did you even go to his room?”“She came to apologise”, Jason interjected.“Why am I not surprised”, Mike said, “apologise for what?”“I’m not sure how to explain-““Fucking quickly”, Mike commanded.

Arabella: 30:02

“Honesty is the best policy”,

Nicole: 30:04

“Yes, but it’s embarrassing in this situation-““Don’t make me tell him”, Jason warned.

“Nothing happened though. She told me in the morning, and she wouldn’t lie to me-“Nicole: 30:07

“Yes, I know that”, Mike said.“So, if we all agree I didn’t have sex with him, what’s the problem?” I asked.“You might as well have!” Mike fumed. “It’s not some sort of moral bullshit. I told you, it’s so there aren’t rifts or distractions in The Band—and what do you think is happening right now?”“I didn’t even think about the possibility of sex”, Jason said, “she was crying most of the time-““Jay, come on”, I groaned.“Why were you crying?” Mike asked, calming down a bit because of his confusion.“We talked about my accident”, Jason answered.

“And how it affected us and how your music helped-“Nicole: 30:15

Bella added helpfully. Everyone immediately knew what he meant. It was a really hard time for The Band. Mike sighed. “Fine-“ He looked at me sharply. “Not more fucking sleepovers—or lying. Seriously—lie to me again—and it’s over”.

“Well I didn’t exactly lie, I just-“Arabella: 30:19

“Not helping”,

Nicole: 30:21

“Shutting up-“ I said, “Yes, not more lying-““We’ll talk about a punishment later-““Yes, Sir”. I cleared my throat. “Practicing the honesty—I was cornered by Timothy Carter-““What did I say about Timothy Carter?”“Uh-wait!” I said quickly. “I really tried to get away, I promise!” He narrowed his eyes at me.“Honest!” I said, holding up my hands in surrender.“What happened?” he asked, crossing his big arms across his chest.“He asked why I wasn’t backstage...blah blah...then I realised I never took the backstage pass...then I said bye”.(Nicole huffs a laugh and Arabella chuckles)“Not blah blah”, Mike said, “what did he say or what did you say?”“He asked how the tour was going”, I continued. “I said good and that I was angry that he didn’t tell me he’s a journalist—then he asked if I have sex with the whole band-““Fuck’s sake, Nicole-““Hey!” I said, “he guessed, all right? Anyway, I told him none of his business—which in hindsight doesn’t sound good-and then he said I hope you’re getting something out of it—then I snapped at him, without thinking, I’m not fucking him to get into the music business—I know, I know, it didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean for it to come out and the moment it did, I thought, fuck”.“I hate that guy”, Mike said. “Be wary of little boys who talk too much. Thank you for telling me but seriously next time he shows up—run”.“Fair enough”. I cleared my throat. “Please, can we take the phone off my arm now?”“Have you learnt your lesson about the damn phone?” I nodded.“Fine”, he agreed, “but it goes back on the next time you forget it, or don’t answer when I call”.

Arabella: 30:36

Fair, that's fair.

Nicole: 30:38

I think that's fair.

Arabella: 30:40

Yeah

Nicole: 30:42

He took it relatively well.

Arabella: 30:44

Yep

Nicole: 30:46

I would have. I would have preferred if he threw me across the room.

Arabella: 30:48

I know you would have.

Nicole: 30:50

And the reason for that is because then I wouldn't feel bad, because then I would be like, oh okay, I got, I got what I deserved. But now I feel like I haven't really gotten what I deserved, and,(Nicole sighs) Yeah.

Arabella: 30:54

Yeah.

Nicole: 30:56

Yeah.

Arabella: 30:58

Yeah.

Nicole: 31:00

Yeah.

Arabella: 31:02

Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole: 31:04

As we walked back to the bus, I hurried up to talk to Jason. “I’m really sorry, you know-““You had two days to tell him”, Jason reminded me, “don’t look at me like I betrayed you”.“You couldn’t wait twenty more minutes for me to get back from the crowd?” I asked him.“You had two days”, he repeated, “and Mike asked me why I was pissed at you. I don’t lie to him”.

I don’t lie to him, but you do! I’m sorArabella: 31:08

But you do!

Nicole: 31:10

I'm sorry, fuck's sake. Jason's making me, punishing me very hard.

Arabella: 31:12

Well, you deserve it from both.

Nicole: 31:14

Yeah.“I am constantly scared I’ll be kicked off the tour-”“You have way more chance being kicked of the tour if you don’t tell Mike stuff”“That makes sense-“ I said, “I’ll tell him stuff-““You’ve made it really hard for us to be friends”, Jason pointed out, “Mike’s suspicious. No more late-night visits—and I’ll have to distance myself from you”“Jay, but-““No”. He climbed onto the bus without another word.

Arabella: 31:20

Oh, baby. Oh.

Nicole: 31:22

I want to cry so bad Bella. Arabella I know you do. Nicole For real, like. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a ridiculous person.

Arabella: 31:28

Oh, she is probably emotional right now.

Nicole: 31:30

(Nicole sniffs as if she was crying a little) Gosh! Okay, I deserve this.

Arabella: 31:33

You do a little bit.

Nicole: 31:35

No, I totally do, not even a little bit. No, I did all of the things wrong.

Arabella: 31:37

You did. You did.

Nicole: 31:39

I'm surprised he didn't like manhandle me. Bless.

Arabella: 31:41

**** or Jay? (Bleeped out)(Arabella gasps at her mistake)

Nicole: 31:44

Mike.(Nicole laughs)

Arabella: 31:47

Mike or Jay?

Nicole: 31:49

Mike. Jay, well, Jay would do that, but…

Arabella: 31:51

Maybe he was too pissed to touch you.

Nicole: 31:53

I think he probably was.

Arabella: 31:55

Yes

Nicole: 31:57

He knows better than to do that when he's pissed, right?

Arabella: 31:59

Yeah.

Nicole: 32:01

Okay I was very quiet on the way back to the Hyatt. I didn’t say a word except ‘fine’ whenever Zander asked if I was okay. The rest of the band avoided speaking to me as well. Silence was the best idea. Billy had decided that if I wanted to tell him, I would, and he wasn’t going to keep asking. Very southern charm from him.

Arabella: 32:05

Yes

Nicole: 32:07

Bella held my hand and communicated more through looks than anything she could’ve said in front of them.

Arabella: 32:09

Yeah.

Nicole: 32:11

Yeah.

Arabella: 32:13

In that way that best friends do, you know, that sympathy. The comfort is there.

Nicole: 32:15

Yeah.

Arabella: 32:17

Especially when you can't, you know, it's going to be weird to try and say things out loud in front of them.

Nicole: 32:19

The comfort and also the tough love of, you get what you get.

Arabella: 32:21

Yeah, yeah.

Nicole: 32:23

We all took the lift up to our floor. I surprised everyone when I turned and hugged Carter. He, himself was unsure what to do. He sort of held his hands up for a couple of seconds, and when I didn’t let go right away, he awkwardly patted me on the back.(Nicole chuckles softly and Arabella cackles) Ayeh“What’s uh, what’s going on?” he asked.“Thank you for coming to get me at the backstage door”, I said, “I thought I was going to die of shame”.“Oh, a ‘right, Nicky”, he said. I let go of him and he gave me a weak smile. He was still not use to the sudden affection I was showing him. I then hugged Zander and Noah for their part in it all.

I wondered if I was allowed to hug Jason for too long, and as though he knew what I was thinking said: 32:30

“Don’t even think about it. You know for an intelligent person—you can do some pretty dumb things sometimes- “

Arabella: 32:32

“So can you”

Nicole: 32:34

Bella told Jason.“Touché, Bella-” He gave her a wide grin.

Arabella: 32:38

“Goodnight, my love”.

Nicole: 32:40

She kissed me on the top of my head and whispered,

Arabella: 32:42

“It’ll be okay”

Nicole: 32:44

“See you in the morning”. I turned to the lift door and watched the numbers tick off as we approached our floor.“So, what?” Mike asked after a couple of seconds. “Don’t I get a hug?”“I’ll consider it”, I answered him, crisply.(Arabella hoots several times in delighted anticipation) Oh, I chose high, I chose violence.

Arabella: 32:51

Yes, yes.

Nicole: 32:53

The lift reached our floor in perfect timing.“Night, guys”, I stepped out of the lift before Mike could reply. I heard Jason and Zander laugh behind me.“Hey!” I heard Mike call. Within seconds he was behind me. My short legs just weren’t fast enough to match his.“What is your problem?” Mike asked as we reached our door. I stood with my arms crossed, waiting. When nothing happened, I looked up at Mike. He stood dead still, staring down at me. It was very intimidating, but I refused to let myself move.“Open the door, please”. Wow. I'm—(Arabella croaks) I'm not sure I'm going the right way with my feelings, but.

Arabella: 33:06

No, I think you are very much not.

Nicole: 33:08

No He stuffed the card for the door into my cleavage. Oh, and he's trying. He's trying to lighten it up.

Arabella: 33:12

He is. He, he is

Nicole: 33:14

I sighed. “I’m not in the mood for games-”(Nicole chuckles and Arabella make a quiet oooof laugh) I took the cardkey out of my cleavage and unlocked the door.“I don’t need your attitude, Nicole”, Mike said as he closed the door behind us when we were inside. “You know exactly why I did what I did tonight-”“I know but was it really necessary to make me feel like I can’t be friends with anyone in the band?” He looked at me in shock. “You can be friends with anyone you want”, he said sharply, “just don’t sleep in their fucking beds-”“It was an ACCIDENT-““Shout at me again-“I ignored him. Oh dear.“I like Jay, okay?” I continued passionately. “I want to be friends with him and now I feel like I can’t. And he’s acting aloof which is super weird—”“Nicole!” Mike snapped, “you can’t be actual friends with Jay because you’re fan-girling so hard, you can barely look at him without gaping. How could he take you seriously?”

Arabella: 33:25

Ooooh.

Nicole: 33:27

I don’t know what made me do it. It was probably all the frustration and the night’s embarrassment, the offense of his last words. As he turned around, I swung my fist at his face.

Arabella: 33:30

(Quietly) Holy shit!

Nicole: 33:32

“What the fuck-?” His hand went up to his left eye immediately as my fist struck him. Oh my god, you guys. I want to cry so bad.

Arabella: 33:35

Fuck. And that is where we are ending today's episode! Holy shit,(Nicole sighs) Fuck I forgot about this.

Nicole: 33:39

This recording hit me so hard,(Nicole is crying a little bit)

Arabella: 33:42

Oh my god.

Nicole: 33:44

(Half laughing through her soft crying) It's fiction, it's fine.

Arabella: 33:47

Yes, this is not okay stuff, but obviously the story... We need, need drama, and this is fucking drama.

Nicole: 33:49

This is not okay, yeah.

Arabella: 33:51

Holy shit.

It’s very important guys to know that this is um. So, something important to say here. So, there is a um, there is a wonderful writer and like, pro in the BDSM world called Tammy Jo Eckhart. And she has said that there are two types of stories or two types of books: 33:53

There are the books that kinky people like to read, and there are the books that show what kinky people like to do. And they are very often very different, because the stuff kinky people like to read sometimes are very dark and not, um okay to do in real life.

Arabella: 33:55

Wouldn't be acceptable in real life.

Nicole: 33:57

Wouldn't be acceptable, acceptable in real life. And what we do is we blur the two a little bit, but we tell you when we do. Yeah?

Arabella: 33:59

Yeah, it's a bit like any of those dark romances—

Nicole: 34:01

Yeah.

Arabella: 34:03

—that we all read, or—

Nicole: 34:05

Yeah.

Arabella: 34:07

—some of us read nowadays where the, the, the male lead or the. There's someone who is morally grey.

Nicole: 34:09

Yeah.

Arabella: 34:11

In a grey area and you know, super red flaggy.

Nicole: 34:13

Yeah.

Arabella: 34:15

That, it's super-hot in the book.

Nicole: 34:17

Yeah.

Arabella: 34:19

If it was in real life—

Nicole: 34:21

It would be horrible.

Arabella: 34:23

No.

Nicole: 34:25

No, we're not, we’re not there though.

Arabella: 34:27

It would not be okay

Nicole: 34:29

No one in, no one in our story is morally grey. Well, not, not no one in The Band.

Arabella: 34:31

No.

Nicole: 34:33

But um, what I’m trying to say here is

Arabella: 34:35

We're trying to blend the two things.

Nicole: 34:37

Please tune in next week so you can see how this ends and how we deal with it. and please don't. This is, as I've said, like a lot of this is dramatized for the story. This could happen in a dynamic, but this is not... Kink related, if that makes sense.

Arabella: 34:39

And it doesn’t make it okay

Nicole: 34:41

I didn't punch him. This is where it's my bad, because I didn't punch Mike as his brat. I punched him as Nicole.

Arabella: 34:43

To a person who just really hurt her. Yeah.

Nicole: 34:45

Exactly, this is a, we were out of, completely out of the game here, um so this was not.

Arabella: 34:47

Yeah. This wasn’t a game thing.

Nicole: 34:49

Yeah, so, he.(Nicole sighs in frustration at words) You know. It, well, yeah. I hope that makes sense to you guys um,

Arabella: 34:53

Yes

Nicole: 34:55

But next week were gunna

Arabella: 34:57

God damn Nicky!

Nicole: 34:59

Yeah

Arabella: 35:01

God damn!

Nicole: 35:03

And tune in next week because all

Arabella: 35:05

You full on just hit Mike in the face! (So very dramatically)

Nicole: 35:07

I know

Arabella: 35:09

You planted one on him

Nicole: 35:11

So hard

Arabella: 35:13

Ooooo (High pitched)

Nicole: 35:15

The problem is this is where I want to laugh but I'm also just like, it's so bad. Cause the thing is

Arabella: 35:17

It's so bad.

Nicole: 35:19

And it's mostly like I know Mike, like he said something hurtful and everything, but the thing is I brought a lot of this on myself without like

Arabella: 35:21

Exactly

Nicole: 35:23

Controlling my shit. Fucking hell.

Arabella: 35:25

Yeah. And being

Nicole: 35:27

So, make

Arabella: 35:29

Communicating easily and it’s, it,

Nicole: 35:31

Yeah.

Arabella: 35:33

I think it was all that frustration, and the nerves,

Nicole: 35:35

Yeah

Arabella: 35:37

And the,

Nicole: 35:39

Yeah

Arabella: 35:41

You, as you guys see it's been building.

Nicole: 35:43

Yeah

Arabella: 35:45

All of this anxiety and nerves and(Arabella takes a deep breath in)

UggghhhhhhNicole: 35:48

May this be a lesson to everyone to properly communicate and…

Arabella: 35:50

Because you can't go around punching people.

Nicole: 35:52

That, but also the. I think the biggest thing is just, to like excuse myself once again, is to say that a lot of this was me as my old self. Um,

Arabella: 35:54

Yes

Nicole: 35:56

I'm no longer this person because I, like I said, I wrote this story first when I was like 15 years ago. And the thing is,

Arabella: 35:58

Yeah

Nicole: 36:00

What I really want to say here is that, um. What I should have communicated long before just the thing started happening, is that a lot— even, even the good stuff, like everything that was happening on the tour was overwhelming.

Arabella: 36:02

Yeah. Super overwhelming

Nicole: 36:04

And I should have told him that. I should have told him, can we go slower on the, not necessarily on the kink stuff, but like on the rest.

Arabella: 36:06

Yeah.

Nicole: 36:08

Because it's a lot. Maybe, like, sometimes I needed to like be by myself a little bit more instead of like, always hanging out, and being constantly in this overwhelming kind of pressure. Especially because a part of me was

Arabella: 36:10

Yeah, well, it was at the very beginning. You did used to do that.

Nicole: 36:12

And then,

Arabella: 36:14

When you got overwhelmed, Yeah

Nicole: 36:18

Like the first day or two you would go and hide. Yeah, I would go and hide.

Arabella: 36:22

But since then, you just sort of haven't.

Nicole: 36:24

Yeah, and I think that's it, because I was like, no, I need to push through, I need to push through, I need to push through.

Arabella: 36:26

I mean I can’t, I can't waste this time with The Band.

Nicole: 36:28

Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. Anyway, all of that to wind up to say: 36:30

Fuck.

Nicole: 36:32

Fuck

Arabella: 36:34

Please tune in

Nicole: 36:36

Next week

Arabella: 36:38

To hear the fallout of all of this for Episode 16, This One Time…(Nicole kinda softly cackles) Ahhhhh

Nicole: 36:42

So, so frustrating for everyone who was born in the 90s.

Arabella: 36:44

Yeah, 80s, 90s, people who grew up with this. Oh yeah, This one time…

Nicole: 36:46

(Nicole chuckles followed by Arabella’s gasp of a laugh) All right, you guys. Thank you for humouring me and letting me basically cry at you a few times

Arabella: 36:49

Yeah

Nicole: 36:51

In this story.(Arabella laughs a little) Wow. So real.

Arabella: 36:55

Yeah, all right. See you next week.

Nicole: 36:57

Alright. See you next week, guys. Bye.

Arabella: 36:59

Byyyyeee. Thank you, as always, for listening to us. Please follow us on all our socials, interact with us. We love it. And please don't forget to subscribe and share.

Nicole: 37:02

And also, if you could support us, please consider buying us a coffee. You can buy us a coffee monthly, so it's you know every month, or you can give us a one-off donation, it means the world to us. And also, free and quick, please consider rating the show. Please, and thank youuu!

Arabella: 37:04

Thank you! Please and thank you, thank you and please.(Theme music plays out with lyrics)“…. Hanging on to everything you said. And everything you did was so wonderful! So unbelievable! What is this world without you? We’re hanging on to what you were, even if it hurts...”